Kind Of Blue
by Don-O
Summary: A (kinda) normal day at the movies with The Morgandorffers...amongst other things.


'Kind of Blue'  
a short DARIA fan fiction  
by Don Fields  
(author's notes after this story)  
  
SCENE ONE:  
It's a Saturday morning in Daria's bedroom. Outside her barely covered windows, the sky is overcast and according to the cheap "digital" alarm clock lying on the floor next to her bed, it's 9:00. DARIA, however, is still in bed with the pillows over her head and the bed sheets completely covering the rest of her body. The alarm goes off with a steady annoying beep. A fist comes from under the sheets and slams it on the top very hard thus "killing it". A few seconds later it turns itself back on and blares out a much louder buzzing sound. DARIA hits it again but it only gets louder. She then grabs the clock, leans her upper portion of her body up to near the top of an opened drawer, tosses the clock in the drawer and closes it. She goes blissfully back underneath her mountain of pillows and sheets. Suddenly there's someone pounding on her door. It's QUINN.  
  
QUINN:  
Daaaaria? Mom says it's time for you to get up.  
  
DARIA: (groggy)  
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....  
  
QUINN:  
Daria, I know you're up. I can hear that alarm of yours from that top drawer, you know. It's even keeping Dad awake downstairs.  
  
Suddenly, QUINN barges in. She walks immediately to Daria dresser, takes out the alarm and finally turns it off by simply pressing a button. Then she turns to DARIA.  
  
QUINN:  
(to herself) Why am I the only person in this house that knows how to turn this THING off? (puts the clock back, to DARIA) Come ON, Daria. Mom wants to take us down to see that Celine Dion film playing at the Mondo Muli-Plex at the Mall Of The Millennium.  
  
DARIA reluctantly carries her part of this conversation from under her pillows and sheets.  
  
DARIA:  
Nice. Why don't you go on ahead and tell me about how cute the ushers were when you get back.  
  
QUINN:  
Mom is serious about this. She's been on this 'family togetherness' routine since yesterday when you got back from school and made a bee line from the front door to your bed without dinner. She's been giving me and Dad the big lecture and she WON'T shut up until she sees you out of the dungeon.  
  
DARIA:  
...and let me guess, you'd normally wouldn't care less if it weren't for the fact Mom bribed you to tag along for moral support from my bed to the end of the movie.  
  
QUINN:  
How did you know?!  
  
DARIA:  
All this togetherness is helping my perception very well....from a distance....just exactly where I like it to be.  
  
HELEN is then heard from downstairs  
  
HELEN: ("to" QUINN)  
Quinn? Is she up yet? We HAVE to get to the first showing in an hour.  
  
JAKE: (also from downstairs, to HELEN)  
You mean we don't have time to get the popcorn?!?!  
  
QUINN: (to DARIA)  
It isn't much the bribery as much as the peace you and I can achieve JUST by getting mom and dad off our collective backs for the next month, or the next time we're forced into this 'togetherness' thing, which ever comes first. (begging) Please, Daria.  
  
DARIA sticks her head out of the mountain of sheets and pillows and heavily sighs. We then see DARIA, now in her regular clothes, in the bathroom brushing her teeth. Her cabinet is still open and she's not in the mood to see even her reflection in the mirror. She finishes with her teeth and places the brush in the cabinet. When she closes the door, she and WE see HELEN impatiently waiting for her from the bathroom door. JAKE is (reluctantly) standing next to her looking anxious.  
  
HELEN:  
Sweetheart, will you please hurry up!?  
  
JAKE: (sounding more sympathetic)  
Yea, honey. I need just enough time to get my usual mega-ton popcorn to get through that stupid chick flick.  
  
HELEN: (quickly and sternly to JAKE)  
JAKE!!  
  
SCENE TWO:  
The family car is rolling down the highway, making that one hour trip to the 'Mall Of The Millennium'. As per usual, it's HELEN and JAKE in front and DARIA and QUINN in the back.  
  
HELEN:  
Daria,, I expect you to be on you best behavior. It's not often that we share a weekend together without Quinn off on her dating schedule and you with Jane, so I want to make this day memorable and productive as possible.  
  
DARIA:  
I'd say it's memorable already. (to QUINN) Since when did you earnthe bonus weekend mileage for this joy ride?  
  
QUINN:  
Joey, Jeffrey annnnnnd what's-his-face ended up catching my cold and THEY gave it to Raymond and THEN they gave it to Philip THEN to Robert THEN to Albert and just about everybody else on my A to F dating schedule for this quarter so they can have ALL themselves for me. Isn't that JUST cute!  
  
DARIA:  
Boy, when you care enough to sent the very best viruses...  
  
JAKE: (to DARIA)  
So where's Jane, Daria? I haven't seen her in a week.  
  
DARIA:  
*sigh* Neither have I. She's up with Trent and the rest of the Lane clan in Seattle where they last spotted Wind running from his 10th wife. It might take another week just to smoke him out of the woods.  
  
HELEN: (bluntly cutting in, to DARIA)  
IN the meantime, you can spend sometime and share your thoughts with us instead of Jane. Now, what happened in school yesterday?  
  
DARIA:  
Nothing more than the closing chapter of a fully blown-out week of personal hell....  
  
HELEN: (a little annoyed with DARIA's choice of words)  
Daria, please. Why must EVERYthing you describe in your life in such negative terms?  
  
DARIA:  
The way this week has positively kicked the sunny-disposition out of my overly sensitive soul.  
  
HELEN: (a tad edgy)  
Daria, you may or may not know this but you're NOT the only person on this planet to have an unpleasant week. (to JAKE for support) Right, Jake?  
  
The ball is handed to JAKE and he runs off with it.  
  
JAKE: (ranting)  
OOOHH! Do I know how it is being KICKED around by THE MAN! Sure, you try to scrounge JUST enough berries for you and you little tribe back at the cave at the end of the day...and THEN the MAN comes in like a greedy savage T-Rex and....  
  
HELEN realizes this little mistake and, carefully and politely, cuts JAKE off.  
  
HELEN: (to DARIA)  
SEE, HONEY! EVERYbody has their off days, just like your father. (to herself) Just.....not as dramatic.  
  
DARIA:  
...or more pathetic.  
  
HELEN:  
What your father is trying to say.....  
  
DARIA:  
Sorry, Mom....and Dad. I just find it hard to imagine the necessity of soothing my fried nerves by comparing notes to see who suffered the most thus making ME feel guilty about my own problems.  
  
HELEN:  
Daria...  
  
DARIA:  
What the caveman here goes through is his business and none of mine...unless, of course, I'm within a ear shoot.  
  
JAKE:  
Thanks, kiddo!  
  
DARIA:  
I just barely survived a week of total isolation and humiliation from everyone in school, I was picked on by Ms. Li for my "trench coat" look again; Jodie is miserably trying to be my substitute best friend; I'm beginning to hear the echoes from chewing my own food at my table during lunch; Ms. Morris in P.E. has me doing excursuses for both Jane and myself and (glances towards QUINN) someBODY is spreading a rumor that Upchuck and I are dating.  
  
QUINN:  
But Sandi was getting suspicious with the 'cousin' excuse after all this time, so I HAD to tell her something new to throw her off my back.  
  
DARIA: (evil eye to QUINN)  
By telling them that I was passing myself off AS your cousin just so I can move into the same town as my one true upchucking love?  
  
QUINN:  
Well, it was either that or the one that we JUST replaced your medication that was effecting your memory and we had to remind you of who you were on a regular basis and stuff.   
  
DARIA: (narrows her eyes at QUINN)  
Quinn! THAT was the one nail to my coffin that I DIDN'T need. It's bad enough I'm riding the Highland Hell-ride all OVER again, now I'm getting people asking me what are we going name the baby!  
  
QUINN:  
It's NOT my fault that your deadhead friend has gone off and left you alone with this mess you got yourself into....  
  
Before DARIA can pipe in on this one, HELEN cuts in to stop it.  
  
HELEN:  
Stop it you two. Daria, I've told you a million times; DON'T live in the past, the more you dig it up, the more it will catch up to you. This is Lawndale and this is the present. (a little more sternly) Now please stop this little mood swing of yours and enjoy yourself. (to JAKE) Right, Jake! (no response) Jake?  
  
JAKE: (in his little world of his own)  
......and then, after you FINALLY kill the T-Rex to cloth you tribe, THEN COMES the FREAKING IRS vultures to PICK AT your retirement protection PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
HELEN sighs and goes back to staring out her window as QUINN goes back to hers and ditto with JAKE. However, DARIA is struck hard by what HELEN had just said and her face slightly cringes with anger.  
  
DARIA: (carefully mumbling to herself)  
Of course this isn't Highland....this is hell.  
  
SCENE THREE:  
It's the mall, inside the record store (a Virgin MegaStore type). We see HELEN, JAKE and, with some distance away, QUINN looking through the racks. JAKE is totally involved with his window shopping but HELEN is a little reoccupied and upset....and for you BGM freaks, Pizzicato Five's 'La Depression' is blasting over the store's speakers.HELEN: (actually to no one in particular)First we had to drag Daria out of bed THEN came the damned traffic and NOW we missed the first showing and end up wasting our time in this stupid record store.  
  
JAKE: (calmly)  
Oh, take it easy, honey. The second showing won't be for 30 minutes. Hey, you might find something here that'll calm your nerves, something soooothing like Barry White, Isaac Hayes, Al Green ....(JAKE then looks to the side and spots a CD, suddenly gets REALLY excited)...HEY! 'Wild Man' Fisher's finally on CD!!!  
  
JAKE reaches for the latest discovery, but HELEN pays him no attention.  
  
HELEN:  
Where IS Daria?  
  
QUINN is in ear shot of HELEN's question. She doesn't like what she heard and the way HELEN said it. QUINN sneaks off to look for DARIA herself. Meanwhile, at the far end of the store, we find DARIA in the jazz section, going through the cassettes. BGM: Vince Guaraldi's 'Cast Your Fate To The Wind'. She looks through the selection and stops at some Miles Davis' titles. She picks out 'Kind Of Blue' and studies the package. From out of nowhere, QUINN walks up behind DARIA.  
  
QUINN: (glancing at the cover which has a picture of Miles Davis)  
First off, that blue blazer clashes against the yellow tie and the music is a little too blandly textured, even for that cover. If I were you, I'd stick to someone one who's more coordinated like Yanni, Kenny G and Bobbie Benton.  
  
DARIA:  
If I were you, I'd worry if the fashion afterlife is ruled by Divine. Sorry, but I prefer to listen to music that's performed by humans, NOT by synthesizers, drum machines and other technically advanced enhancement instruments of fakery.  
  
QUINN:  
WhatEVER, but why tape? That is SO seventies.  
  
DARIA:  
So I can listen to something more tolerant during the picture.  
  
DARIA whips out her walkman from her left jacket pocket to show QUINN.  
  
DARIA: (cont.)  
...and with some choice Capt. Beefheart and Doo Rags cuts, it should cancel out the Ono impersonations on the screen.  
  
QUINN: (concerned)  
What's WITH you? Mom is on the war path and now you want to pull THIS (points to the walkman) off?! Maybe you should take some aspirin for that mood swing of yours.  
  
DARIA: (deadpan)  
Oh, goodie. Just take a little pill and wipe my brain out like zombie with a xeroxed smile duck taped on my face. (with a little edge) No thank you, Quinn! I think there's more than enough zombies in THIS tribe.  
  
QUINN: (begging again)  
Could you use the duck tape just for this once...please....  
  
HELEN: (v.o.)  
THERE YOU ARE!!!  
  
HELEN is then seen coming into the frame and walks right up to DARIA.  
  
HELEN:  
Young lady, you've been trying out my patients ALL day. (sees the tape in DARIA's hand) WHAT are you buying this time? (takes the tape from her) 'Kind Of....'..is this one of your moody music you lock yourself in your room with?  
  
DARIA:  
It's the type of music that relaxes me.  
  
HELEN puts the tape back on the shelf.  
  
HELEN:  
I wouldn't call locking yourself in your baby crib wining over nothing remotely anything to do with relaxation, young lady. I didn't take time off from my weekend work schedule to play this phony game of yours to cover up your self-pity obsession.   
  
DARIA: (taken back)  
'Phony'?!  
  
HELEN:  
You are acting EXACTLY like a spoiled child, even more than Quinn!...  
  
QUINN: (to HELEN)  
Thanks....(thinks {for a change}, then upset)...Hey!  
  
HELEN: (cont.)  
.....You're NOT fooling anybody with this act, so SNAP out of it RIGHT NOW!  
  
DARIA:  
You think I'm faking this!?! How dare....  
  
HELEN suddenly grabs DARIA by the arm and drags her off.  
  
HELEN:  
NOT another word! We are going to cheer up and have fun, EVEN if it kills US!!  
  
Both are gone leaving QUINN behind looking worried.  
  
SCENE FOUR:  
A few minutes later, we see the family in line in front of the indoor theater. There are a few signs announcing the mall's refurbishing plan scattered here and there. Next to the family (and the line, of course) is the poster for the big film in question: CELINE DION in THE FINAL GOODBYE PART 4: PROLOGUE!. QUINN is next to DARIA and admiring the poster.  
  
QUINN:  
Just think this will be the next to the next to the next to the......(she loses count, but carries on)....mmmmmwwwwwwhatever before she retires to devote her live to save those cute Canadian Poodles and her family.  
  
DARIA:  
I presume in that order. Just the thing to kill off Canadian cinema for good. This and that Kids In The Hall flick.  
  
HELEN, who's next to JAKE in front, turns her head to DARIA.  
  
HELEN:  
DARIA! WHAT did we discussed back at the record store?  
  
DARIA: (shooting back)  
"we"?  
  
JAKE: (innocently butts in)  
This is a Canadian flick? Great! I hope it's just as good as 'Strange Brew.'  
  
Just then a lady (MARGARET) with a handful of colorful wristbands in one hand walks up and introduces herself to JAKE and HELEN.  
  
MARGARET: (sounding a little too happy)  
Hi, my name is Margaret! It's such a beautiful sight to behold when a happy family spends some time together!  
  
DARIA: (usual deadpan)  
'Happy'?! Where?  
  
MARGARET:  
If He was here, he would of blessed you all with his love.  
  
HELEN: (smells something)  
He, who?  
  
MARGARET:  
OH! HIM! Jesus, Our Savior. I'm selling these fashionable florescent W.W.J.D. wristbands.  
  
HELEN:  
W. W...........?  
  
MARGARET:  
'What Would Jesus Do?' It's a little system to help mere mortals with life's difficult situations. If they can't find the solution to everyday problems, they just look at these wristbands and the initials would remind us that He can help us if we JUST imagine Him wearing our shoes. Isn't that JUST wonderful!?  
  
HELEN: (trying to be friendly)  
Sorry, but we're not religious people...  
  
MARGARET quickly bypasses HELEN's dead end response and focuses in on QUINN and DARIA.  
  
MARGARET: (to QUINN and DARIA)  
What beautiful children of God! Have you both ever thought about what Jesus would do if you were confounded with life's troubles?  
  
QUINN:  
IF I were Jesus, I'd wouldn't wearing ANYTHING florescent this soon after Labor Day, that's just as blasphemous as wearing white shoes.  
  
HELEN begins to looks for a friendly and tactful way to get rid of MARGARET.  
  
HELEN:  
(friendly, to QUINN) That's nice dear (little more edge, to MARGARET) Excuse me, if you don't mind....  
  
MARGARET forges ahead to DARIA  
  
MARGARET: (to DARIA)  
How about you.........?  
  
DARIA: (going in for the kill, to MARGARET)  
....if I were Him, I'd sue your fake holy macramé pants off for copyright infringement, then I'd force the Pope into bankruptcy court.  
  
HELEN:  
...ah, Daria...  
  
DARIA: (cont.)  
And when my legal disciples are finished, I'll force that religious hood ornament to distribute free condoms to the whole world to cut down on my impostors and their zombies.  
  
HELEN:  
DARIA!  
  
Just before HELEN butts in and MARGARET breaks down from this barrage, JAKE casts a interrogating eye on MARGARET.  
  
JAKE: (to MARGARET)  
Are you a Giddeon?  
  
MARGARET: (slightly shaking)  
Ex....cuse me?  
  
JAKE:  
Ya know, I stay at these hotels on my business trips and I keep finding these bibles appearing out of nowhere! 'This Bible Was Left Here By A Giddeon'! When?! I don't see as much as a finger and foot print any where! I see the maid come in, I see the mini-bar man come in, but do you see them? NO! Ever hear them? NO! But they're every-FREAKIN'-where dive-bombing these books around like pigeon droppings. Who ARE these PEOPLE??!! Are they ninjas? Are they connected with the tooth fairy? Are they from Giddia? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, GODDAMN IT?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Things are getting out of control for poor HELEN until she notices the line begins to move. She takes this opportunity and grabs JAKE by the arm and leads him off with her.  
  
HELEN: (desperately pleasant to JAKE)  
Come one, dear. The line is moving.  
  
JAKE manages to get one more line and stern look at MARGARET.  
  
JAKE: (still on MARGARET)  
You know, maybe I oughta take up a new hobby. Maybe I should kidnap and collect me some......GIDDeons!  
  
MARGARET runs away. QUINN and DARIA follow JAKE and HELEN into the theater. QUINN looks just as uncomfortable as HELEN and DARIA has a big proud smirk on the side of her face.  
  
SCENE FIVE:  
We inside the theater, about a few minutes before showtime. The place is pretty much full. DARIA is sitting in-between two groups: JAKE (with his Mega-sized tub of popcorn) & HELEN and QUINN and a couple of faceless teenagers (or "a cute family of teenagers", whatever you choose); each group are talking onto they own little universe forcing DARIA to hear their banter.  
  
HELEN: (to JAKE)  
*heavy disappointing sigh* Why MUST you scarf your face? We're supposed to watch and STUDY this film for the next family group meeting with the Guppties.  
  
JAKE: (mouth full of popcorn)  
Aw, honey! I need something to do to keep my brain from falling asleep from these chick flicks you keep dragging me to.  
  
HELEN:  
Jake! It's NOT a chick flick! It's an emotional drama to help us get in touch with our feelings. AND it's also on Oprhra's Movie List!  
  
JAKE:  
Unless Oprhra likes Shaft movies, I couldn't care lesser about this Christine What's-Her-Name than this butter water they use for the popcorn.  
  
We switch over to QUINN and her friends (FRIEND #1, #2, etc.,).  
  
FRIEND #1:  
I heard from Young Miss that Dion will donate 1% of her profit margin from this film to a nature reserve for those Canadian poodles!  
  
QUINN:  
Well, 'Val' said that after the filming, she dedicated the film to her first dog, 'Sparrow'. I hear that he was an French/Canadian breed.  
  
FRIEND #2:  
I know, she was on Rosie and she cried on the air over him......  
  
FRIEND #1:  
....didn't she do that on 'Kathie Lee & that old guy' just yesterday?  
  
QUINN:  
No, she cried over the fact that people were confusing her for Jay Leno because of her chin.  
  
The three let out a collective totally sympathetic 'aaah'. Back to JAKE and HELEN.  
  
JAKE:  
Honey! I'm getting tired of having those.....cutesy pod people over every week. They're making me VERY uncomfortable.  
  
HELEN:  
But we need these meetings to enhance our feelings for our families and improve our social status.  
  
JAKE:  
Aw, screw that crap...those Guppties are more creepier than that O'Neil fella!  
  
HELEN:  
(defensive) They're NOT creepy.....(change of mind)...well, not THAT creepy. Regardless, we need their help nurture our emotions to a maximum level for efficiency and perfection.  
  
Back to QUINN and her buddies.  
  
QUINN:  
I'm thinking of getting some poodles of my own after this. This whole experience is helping me get in touch with nature. Maybe, I'll get a full set of colored poodles to match my new color scheme in my bedroom.  
  
FRIEND #1:  
Yea, I thinking about that, too. That should go over well with my friends better than Rosie's New York High-Grade Pigeons. That REALLY wrecked my popularity standing.  
  
FRIEND #2:  
Do you get the felling that your sharing Dion's soul when you see those cute poodle's faces in the shelters?  
  
QUINN:  
Only if it's a cute shelter for cute animals.  
  
FRIEND #1:  
Oh GOD, yes! I just feel like I'm soul bonding with her already.  
  
DARIA has pretty much reached her limit. Suddenly, she gets up and makes for the walkway out of the theater. HELEN and JAKE take no notice of this.  
  
DARIA: (to no one in particular, upset)  
Excuse me, I feel a soul bonding with a toilet bowl coming on.  
  
DARIA marches down the isle on QUINN's side. QUINN sees this and her concerned eyes follow DARIA. We then see DARIA making a straight bee line from the theater to the exit through the lobby. Just before DARIA reaches the glass doors, QUINN manages to catch up with her and grabs her shoulder. Both stop and face each other.  
  
QUINN: (carefully)  
Daria?  
  
DARIA: (sternly and little patients left)  
WHAT is it this time? You want me to help you spell the names of your decorated poodle set?  
  
QUINN:  
Ah, thanksbutnotrightnow....but what's the matter?! The movie hasn't even started yet?...  
  
DARIA:  
But the parade of human residue is already into half-time. Quinn, just for the sake of this 'discussion', allow me to spell out MY spiritual playbook; I'M COULDN'T FREAKIN' CARE LESS!! I'm NOT in the mood nor in the proper mindless state to tolerate ANYbody right now! (sarcastically) OH! Excuse me, I'm not feeling truthful with myself today. Maybe these feeling I have aren't REALLY my own, maybe the Great Chinned One will cleans my tortured soul from these little demons that dwell within........  
  
QUINN: (playfully)  
Don't be silly, Daria. That only happens when you listen to her C.D.'s.  
  
DARIA:  
I've had a week filled with zombies in my face telling me what to think and what non-thoughts I should have; well, I've had it! I'm NOT in the mood for the bubbly residue right now...including my own family.  
  
QUINN:  
But, what's the matter with a little mindless talk? It get our minds off from our troubles, and besides, what can be more constructive than reaching out others for help?  
  
DARIA:  
OH! Like sharing poodle make-up tips from some Canadian lounge singer? I'm just sick of all this 'slapping on the back of our humanity' b. s. We're a virus with shoes! Everybody looks else where for the source of their problems, but they refuse to look in their reflection in the toilet bowl to see that WE are the problem and from the last time I checked, the virus is spreading.  
  
QUINN:  
But.....  
  
DARIA:  
Leave me alone, Quinn. You and everybody else! I guess you were right all long, I'm too much of a 'brain' for ALL of you nice normal perfect children of God! Why don't you stop wasting your blessed time with me and go back to your goddamned support group and find out what lipstick goes with duck tape.  
  
Before QUINN can respond, DARIA turns away from her, opens the door and marches off. QUINN is left behind startled.  
  
SCENE SIX:  
We're back just outside the theater (almost the same spot from Scene Four). DARIA is walking away from the theater with a angry look on her face. MARGARET sees and recognizes DARIA and, carefully approaches her from behind, following DARIA and tries to talk to her.  
  
MARGARET: (a tad shaky)  
Excuse me, young lady? Excuse me? I...I don't see why your father was so....angry with me? All I was trying to do was help you young children how to deal with the troubles of this enslaved world.  
  
DARIA:  
Then do me a favor, you can start solving the problems around here by tying those dog collars around your neck.  
  
MARGARET: (getting edgy)  
But...what? WHY are you so hostile towards me?! Maybe if you listen with your heart and NOT your head, maybe.....  
  
DARIA:  
O.K., how about if I straddled those collars around MY neck and I wouldn't have to think anymore, it'll be easy for the BOTH of us.  
  
MARGARET:  
Young Lady! How dare you talk to me like that?! I'm giving you the simple truth and your head is rejecting it.  
  
DARIA:  
If you're finished rebuking me, maybe you should compare your 'truthful' notes with the Krishnas at the other end of the mall...or, maybe even the Scientology Customers Service Desk at Nordstrom's, they seem to like rich gullible types like you.  
  
MARGARET then develops the nerve to speed up just ahead, turns and stops DARIA in her tracks to fully face her.  
  
MARGARET:  
Our future depends on children with an open heart for God NOT for those who ignore the gifts of life and mercifully mock God's face. When you take time off for Easter week, have you ever thought.........  
  
DARIA: (almost red in the face in anger)  
WHAT a way to celebrate the resurrection of your savior by telling God's little kiddies how a bunny rabbit laid chocolate eggs in your backyard. Oh GEE! I wonder why we're messed up as a race. Hey! As long as we're making this crap up, let's go hog wild! How about goldfish delivering Lincoln Logs in dresser drawers. Listen, I've read the bible twice, Ms. Baker, and I never EVER saw the words 'chocolate' nor 'bunny' ANYwhere in it.  
  
MARGARET:  
But the...  
  
DARIA:  
...The future? Let me share a little secret with you that only us Brats of God knows. (DARIA moves closer to MARGARET's face) There IS NO FUTURE!!!! IT DOESN'T EXIST!! THERE'S ONLY RIGHT DAMNED NOW AND NOTHING ELSE! THE ONLY FORTUNE COOKIE I SEE COMING TRUE HERE IS MY HOLY DOC MARTIN'S POUNDING YOUR HEATHEN HIDE IF YOU DON'T MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!!  
  
DARIA slightly pushes MARGARET out of her way, but not without one more line.  
  
DARIA:  
Now I'll leave you alone to explain dinosaur bones to your god.  
  
SCENE SEVEN:  
It's a half an hour later and DARIA is still walking somewhat aimlessly around the mall. Her mind is all too preoccupied to notice anything around her until she suddenly stops and notices a small group of chairs and tables in front of a coffee house-style cafe. She goes over to a empty chair and falls into it. She then leans her elbow on the small table and rests her head on her hand, covering her face. She closes her eyes and tries to relax and think. There's an very old man (STAN) sitting at a small table next to DARIA's and notices her body language.  
  
DARIA: (whispering to herself)  
Goddamn, everyone.....what the hell am I doing here?  
  
STAN: (to DARIA)  
Trying not to get lost?  
  
DARIA turns her head towards STAN and gives him a nasty look.  
  
STAN:  
Don't worry, ma' am. Whatever you're looking for in this place, it ain't even worth finding.  
  
DARIA goes back to her hands.  
  
DARIA: (sounding exhausted)  
*sigh* Tell me about it. Not even for my family.   
  
STAN:  
Not to intrude into your personal affairs, but you lost them?  
  
DARIA:  
It's more like the other way around. They're lost to me and I don't want to be found.  
  
STAN:  
Fight?  
  
DARIA:  
Their psyche....and I'm in no mood...for it...period....  
  
DARIA voice drops off towards the end.  
  
STAN:  
This place does that to ya, if you're not careful. It takes your psyche over and just when you though you might make it out alive with your original plan to buy just a book, you end up buying enough to build your own legal library when you file for bankruptcy.  
  
STAN then looks off into the crowd. He then sees MARGARET in the distance.  
  
STAN: (to DARIA)  
I see Mother Teresa's Mother-In-Law is scarring the innocent masses again.  
  
DARIA manages to look up and sees MARGARET herself.  
  
DARIA:  
Hmmm...you know her?  
  
STAN:  
Know her? Hell,...  
  
STAN reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out a large handful of the WWJD bands.  
  
STAN: (cont.)  
....I'm one of her favorite customers! Actually, 'customers' isn't the right word for it though. Her 'customers' normally pay ten bucks for these things and each time she sees an old fart like me, she gives them for free along with a long boring rap about the Wonder Bread afterlife, of course.  
  
DARIA:  
Then how do YOU get rid of her?  
  
STAN:  
Oh, just after she starts on me, I 'innocently' bring up the Spanish Inquisition and a little something about dinosaur bones and she can't seem to run away fast enough. Works everytime.  
  
DARIA:  
I brought up those bones and the chocolate bunnies.  
  
STAN:  
The Easter bunnies?! Really? Hmmm. I should remember that next time. New ammo for the cannon. Here...  
  
STAN then tosses the bands over to DARIA's table.  
  
STAN: (cont.)  
...you can use these for a dog leash for those demon dogs when we all get to hell.  
  
DARIA manages a smirk in response. STAN offers his hand to DARIA.  
  
STAN:  
The name is Stan.  
  
DARIA:  
....ummm....Daria...  
  
DARIA wearily offers her and both shake hands.  
  
STAN:   
I'll tell ya, Daria. People watching is sure more entertaining than a night of Rev. Gene Scott, Gong Show reruns and everything else on TV ....combined....and ya learn a little more about humanity as well and without that Bill Moyer putting you to sleep.  
  
DARIA:  
'Humanity'?! Here?! This place is filled with people like Ms. Old Faithful who are put on this earth to test MY faith....and the rest of these mallrats don't do too much for my appetite, either.  
  
STAN:  
I'll grant you that. This isn't exactly window shopping for depth.  
  
DARIA:  
With all these corporate logos for sale, the gas fumes from the fast food court and the ear bleeding marathon over the speakers makes me wonder if the concept of this mall was first experimented in German concentration camps.  
  
STAN:  
That's a strong set of words.  
  
DARIA: (her anger is working back up again)  
Well, I can't help it. My family shuts me out for my 'fake' emotions and THEN I get pounded by some Tammy Fey Blowhard telling I must empty my head in order to be fully accepted in the human race. May I ask you, WHERE'S the 'humanity' in all of this rubble? (she suddenly stops, realizes what she just did and pulls back) *sigh*.....sorry.....  
  
STAN:  
Don't worry about it, kid. Take it from a old people watchin' pro, it can be pretty thick at times to figure what people are up to these days....especially this case when everybody is running to a god of their choice or creation. The more they embrace these idols, the more they ignore the fact that they're just basically human...and they just don't want the responsibility, so they distract themselves by creating a whole new set of rules and try to drag everybody else into their little protective world. Then it grows bigger and they create little rituals and customs in order to keep the wall around them even bigger. Usually, at that point, they'll do anything in great leanths to keep this machine going and separate themselves and levitate their ego from the rest of the smelly apes.  
  
DARIA:  
"He who makes a beast of himself get rid of the pain of being a man."  
  
STAN:  
Pretty much. They don't want to deal with the 'darker' side of being human: lust, greed, pain, guilt, anger, depression....you name it. So they hand these responsibilities over to whatever they believe in and slap a smile on their face and hope to buy some time to keep the 'garbage' away from their front door.  
  
DARIA:  
...and we're expected to lead the perfect normal life and hope god will pick up the trash for us.  
  
STAN:  
And you know what? There's nothing they really can do about it. We were born as we are to die...human, for good and bad, better and worse, from the cradle to the grave....warts and all (pause) Yet, it's the very thing that gives me hope.  
  
DARIA give him a curious look.  
  
STAN: (cont.)  
Yea, yea, I know...taken right straight out of a Robin Williams film and all. But think about it. When you pull back and you're able to see behind those masks...you get to see the good traits of a human being, too, kindness; love; friendship and so on. That's what we're REALLY looking for. Pure unfilltered basic warmth of humanity....people. This 'true god' that everybody else is looking for...this complicated goal we distract ourselves with....it's not out there, it's within us. and if you put a large group of people together simply to....I don't know...get along just for a few minutes....it's the most wonderful feeling you'll ever feel. That's the very thing that's keeping me going all these years.  
  
DARIA smiles abit.  
  
DARIA:  
Be careful though, they say never underestimate happy stupid people in large numbers.  
  
STAN:  
Yea, (slightly sarcastic) lord help us should there be a sudden outbreak of public orgies.  
  
Both laugh that this joke. STAN looks at his watch.  
  
STAN:  
Well, Daria. I'd love to bore the hell out of you some more BUT I got to get moving.  
  
DARIA:  
Appointment?  
  
STAN:  
My psyche. If I'm in this mall for more than thirty minutes, I'm afraid there will be a stack of books calling my name out...and I got enough voices in my head in my old age. I normally wouldn't be caught dead in here for this long, but it's raining like hell, so I can't work on my sunburn. Well, Daria....thanks for putting up with me. I hope I didn't take too much out of your concentration back there.  
  
DARIA;  
That's o.k., Jim Morrision said to learn from your depression. But then he ended up o.d.'ing in France...shows you how much he knew.  
  
STAN get up and shakes DARIA's hand  
  
STAN:  
Well, how's this for a more useful tip. Next time you fell like him, without the drugs and suicidal tendency, just keep you eyes and ears open. You're bound of find that example of that whole warmth baloney I saw talking about. It'll sneak up to ya...and (shrugs) maybe it will help you to make sense of this whole thing.  
  
DARIA:  
Thanks, Stan. Take care.  
  
STAN begins to walk away but gives DARIA one more parting line.  
  
STAN:  
Hey, maybe it'll work for Sister Mother-In-Law, too. Never rule out freak acts of nature. Take care, Daria.  
  
STAN walks off into the crowd and disappears from DARIA's sight. For the first time today, DARIA feels relaxed.  
  
SCENE EIGHT:  
It's another set of minutes later and DARIA is again walking down the crowded mall, only this time she's taking her time and is more relaxed. She then notice she walking into area with more construction material with even bigger announcement signs like: 'COMING SOON! FINALLY! THE BIGGEST SHOPPING MALL ON EARTH!!', handwritten underneath this bold announcement is: 'The Second ('Second' scratched out) Third (that one scratched out, too) Fourth.... Damn It! Damn It! Damn It!'...and so on. DARIA then notices a long narrow stretch of a mall alley that's dimly lit with only a few people and fewer opened stores. Apparently, this section is well underway of this major construction. DARIA see the outdoors at the other end. She walks towards it. As she enters the alley, she notices again the dim lights, boarded store windows, expansion signs and a smaller cluster of people hanging out and resting here. She keeps going until she approaches the huge glass entrance that takes up the entire wall. She stare up through the window, up at the bold blue-gray clouds in the sky. It's pouring rain. The sound of outside is covering the now distant sounds from the main mall behind DARIA. The soft light from the sky and the parking lot lamps drapes over DARIA's part of the floor. She stares out the window for sometime. She then looks down. She then turns her head to see the heavy mall traffic behind her as her old mood swing crawls back again.  
  
DARIA: (mumbling to herself)  
*sign* I've said it once and I'll keep saying it until it's written on my tombstone: What the hell am I doing here?  
  
DARIA turns back to the window, she then tilts her head forward and leans her body slightly towards the window, carefully resting the top of her head against the window. She looks down onto the floor  
  
DARIA: (cont.)  
...alone on this stinking planet. Surround by (calms down)....*sigh*...(to a whisper) .....nothing.....absolutely......nothing........  
  
With eyes closed, DARIA absorbs the soothing sound of the rain for a brief spell. She then puts her hands in her jacket pocket. Suddenly, this quite spell is broken as DARIA feels something strange in her right pocket. She props her head up and pulls out the mystery item out of her pocket. It happens to be a cassette copy of 'Kind Of Blue' with, on the other side, a receipt taped to it. DARIA is quite surprised. She then notices some writing on the receipt. She pulls it off, opens it and reads the message. She recognizes the writing, it belongs to QUINN and it reads as follows:  
  
QUIINN: (v.o., if you chose)  
Dear Daria, I hope this will stop you from moping around the house, at least until Jane gets back. Take care, Quinn P.S. you owe me eight bucks.  
  
DARIA is left staring that the note with a now monotone look over her face, but, of course, something else is brewing behind it. DARIA turns around and goes to a vacant bench facing the rain and the window and sits down. She pulls out her walkman and unwraps the 'Blue' cassette. She then switches tapes with 'Blue' inserted in the machine. DARIA puts on her headphones and presses the play button. The tune 'Blue In Green' is first to be heard. DARIA crosses her arms over her lap, closes her eyes and is still. In her low-key way, she's drifted away by the music. There's a long shot of her relaxed state and the light from outside. Slow pull back and slow fade to black.  
  
'The last time I saw Groucho Marx was in 1976. He was speaking at the Los Angeles Book Fair. He looked frail and unsmiling, but he was alert and irascible as ever. He took questions from the audience.  
"Are you working on a film now?"  
"No, I'm answering silly questions."  
"What are your favorite films?"  
"Duck Soap, Night At The Opera"  
"What do you think of Richard Nixon?"  
"He should be in jail."  
"Is humor an important issue in the presidential campaign?"  
"Get you finger out of your mouth."  
"What do you dream about?"  
"Not about you."  
"What inspired you to write?"  
"A fountain pen. A piece of paper."  
Then I called out a question: "What gives you the most optimism?"  
I expected him to say "People" again, but this time he said, "The World."'  
--from 'Confessions Of A Raving, Unconfined Nut' by Paul Krassner (Touchstone/Simon & Schuster, 1993)  
  
end  
1/4/2000, 11:03 p. m.   
  
(c) 2000 Don Fields; DARIA characters (c) 1999/2000 MTV Networks.  
  
This ain't much of a fan fic (leanth wise, that is) so I'll keep this very short and to the point:  
  
1) I was in the middle of writing my (originally) second Daria fan fic (the sequel to 'The Sound Of One Band Sucking'; another long story all by itself), but the bugger was getting too big for my patients so I temporarily derailed it to save my brain cells. Soon after which, this short thread of a plot popped out from out of nowhere and kept me busy, off and on, for two weeks, plus a couple of days of editing....and here you go, a fan's view of Daria's isolated world. Now, that THIS is out of the way, I'll be able to walk away from Daria fandom to see if I still have a life....until the new season starts up that is.  
  
2) I have to admit it right now: I borrowed a couple of lines from the late and great comic Bill Hicks! Hicks was, no doubt, the direct strain of Lenny Bruce. Please be sure to pick up his CD's ('Rant in E-Minor', 'Arizona Bay' etc.,) on the RYKO label in the comedy section of more adventurous record stores. I think Daria would dig this guy....and so should you! (UPDATE 8/00) A web site has just been set up in his memory and the address is: www.billhicks.com  
  
3) Pop references? Only one (if any) to mention: the one and only 'Wild Man' Fisher. Fisher's "fame" started when he was a uninhibited street singer on Sunset Blvd. during the 60's and was discovered by Frank Zappa. From here, Zappa released a 2-LP set called 'An Evening With 'Wild Man' Fisher'. It didn't even sell squat but it did earn Fisher years of underground fame and has released a few albums on the Rhino Records label during it's early days. Check out: http://www.erie.net/~bbelovar/wildman/ for further details. Oh, yea....and that 'Kind Of Blue' this whole deal is wrapped around? Yup, it does exist; yes, it's by Miles Davis and, as if you hadn't figured it now by now, it's highly recommended by this "writer".  
  
4) I'm dedicating this to Bill Hicks, Charles M. Shultz and Miles Davis and thanking the usual gang of Daria fanboys and fangirls, Daria creators and The Molotov Cocktail Hour for the noise and wishing a big fat flaming hellbound curse on the shulls of MTV programmers and executives who dreamed up this 13 episodes deal instead of 22.  
  
I hope you enjoyed the ride (horky ending and all) and let the backlash begin,  
Don-O   



End file.
